BEFORE YOU SAY “YES I DO” : The Brutal Truth About Campus Relationships Nobody Wants to Tell You
One of the biggest mistakes we make when discussing relationships is pretending that young men and young women carry the same expectations into a relationship. In reality, especially within the Kenyan and wider African context, they do not.
A young woman aged between 20 and 23 can, in many cases, can move directly into marriage without first having to achieve financial stability. Society does not generally expect her to foot the marital bills or earn a certain income before she gets married.
On the contrary, a young man of the same age faces a completely different reality. From childhood, he is taught that he should be the provider. Whether fair or unfair, that expectation remains deeply rooted in our society. He is expected to pay rent, buy food, settle bills, provide security, support his wife and eventually support children. The burden of provision falls largely on his shoulders.
This difference creates two completely different relationship timelines.
Take two university students aged 22. The young woman may be considered ready for marriage. If she meets a suitable man who is prepared to marry her, society will generally see nothing unusual about her getting married immediately after school or even before she starts working.
At 22, the young man, however, is nowhere near marriage readiness. He may still be relying on pocket money from his parents especially if he he doesn't have a job, any source of income or even certainty about where he will live after graduation. Yet when the two enter a relationship, society still expects him to play the role of a man.
Even in situations where both are students and equally dependent on their parents, the young man is still expected to pay for dates, transport, outings, airtime, gifts and other relationship expenses. If they are sharing a hostel room or living together off-campus, he is still expected to be the “man of the house” despite having no independent source of income.
The expectations remain, but the capacity to meet them does not. That is why many young men in college find themselves under immense pressure. They are expected to perform the role of a provider long before they have acquired the means to provide.
As a result, many young men who think realistically about marriage become cautious about relationships during their early twenties. Their focus shifts towards education, employment, business and financial stability because they understand that society will eventually judge them not by how much they loved, but by how well they can provide.
This explains why many men do not seriously consider marriage until their late twenties or even early thirties.
At 23, a woman may already be marriageable. At 23, a man very far away from becoming marriageable unless they come from a wealthy background or have already started earning.
The difference is not necessarily about maturity, intelligence or character. It is largely about societal expectations. A woman can marry and build a life alongside her husband as he provides and the family grows. A man is generally expected to first build the foundation before inviting someone into it.
This is why many relationships between young women and men of the same age encounter difficulties. The woman may naturally be thinking about marriage, while the man is still thinking about how to secure a stable income, pay rent and establish himself.
Neither is wrong. They are simply responding to different realities.
Perhaps this is the conversation young people need to have more often. Love is important, but marriage requires timing. And in our society, the journey to marriage readiness is often much longer for men because of the expectations placed upon them as providers.
Understanding this difference can help young people manage expectations, avoid unnecessary frustrations and make relationship decisions based not only on emotions but also on the realities of life.
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