How to tell if you are marrying the wrong person

Most people enter into marriage with high hopes but very little preparation, thus end up struggling through the pain of an unhealthy, dysfunctional, even catastrophic marriage situation.

This can be explained by the high divorce rate and domestic violence being experienced in modern day marriages. Apparently, too many people are making serious mistakes in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with.

Marriage is not an easy journey. When the rubber meets the road, those who go into it ignoring the warning signs will always reap the harsh reality of the seeds they have sown. It is good to note that marriages never go wrong, they simply start on a wrong footing.

It is therefore paramount for people wanting to get into the marriage reunion to make wise marital choices by carefully considering those marital red flags that tell you that you might be marrying the wrong person.

How do you tell if someone is right for you?

You always run out of things to do together. For instance, if you like to be social and hang out with friends but your partners is the “stay-at-home” who doesn’t entertain any social activities, your relationship will tend to be dominated by conflicts.

If your character differences outweigh the similarities and when they are directly opposite of yours, that is a real indicator for conflicts in your stay together.

They don’t pass the ‘bar test’

When you are at a bar, a restaurant or any social place with your new partner and all they do is to worry about other people or what they are thinking about you two, then that’s trouble.

Another trait to keep a keen eye are those who keep comparing you with others and use it to discredit you as a partner. Then there are this type who keep admiring other couples or opposite gender in your presence.

The other ‘bar test’ to keep a close watch is how they treat other people especially the waiters and the cleaners. If they are rude to them or they despise them publicly, that’s an indicator of the “real them”.

You are always caught up in unhealthy conflicts

If you find yourself in a relationship where communication doesn’t come easy, and where things tend to escalate into unhealthy patterns of unresolved arguments and unhealthy conflict, it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself if this is really something you want to commit to for the rest of your life.

There are continued signs of major character flaws

If you’re in a relationship in which you see patterns of unhealthy behaviours such as dishonesty, rage, infidelity, and addictions emerging, there are very high chances they are going to stick around for the long haul.

These things need to be dealt with and overcome before you should ever enter into marriage.

Discussion has become impossible.

Arguments are healthy! Disagreeing and resolving that disagreement is an important process in any relationship, especially when two people are getting to know each other better and better as they move toward a lifelong commitment.

But if the two of you can never agree on anything and all do is argue and blame each other, then that’s an indicator for trouble. If the arguments are punctuated with name-calling, dishes are flying across the kitchen, or fists are slamming down on the counter or the wall (or worse), then this could be a red flag.

Total breakdown in communication, civility, always being on the defensive and every discussion becomes either a shouting match is a sign that the two of you are not compatible.

If both of you are quick to find a fault on each other and to pounce on it, then you are deep in negative territory, especially if almost every sentence out of your mouth or your partner’s begins with the words, “You always” or “You never."

Subtle and not-so-subtle verbal abuse has become habitual.

Verbal abuse goes hand-in-hand with feeling contempt or disgust for your partner, along with criticism, or his feeling contempt for you.

Once you make scorn your partner, civility and boundaries go out the window.

 If your pick for a partner focused more on chemistry (or wealth) than on character

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?

Before you enter into a lifetime relationship with this person, ask yourself: “Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?”

You can’t remember the last time you had a good laugh together

Laughter is the best medicine. In addition, the more we laugh at ourselves, rather than the other, the better it is.

Laughter reduces stress, brings people closer, and helps to diffuse tension. However, the lack of any humour could be a sign, and especially if you can’t remember the last time you were able to relax and laugh with your future Mr. or Mrs.

You never talk about the “Big Topics” – money, babies, the future

Forever is, you know, forever. There is a myriad of considerations as you plan your lives together.

• Are you going to have children?

• How many?

• What kind of lifestyle do you want to have? Fancy? Simple?

• How will you save for the future?

• What is your idea of retirement?

There’s sex, but no intimacy or affection

Being affectionate can be an indicator of trust and vulnerability in a close relationship.

Affection lets the person you are giving it to know that you care about them and you are aware and attentive to what they need. Sex, of course, is part of this very intimate affection that couples share.

But you can have it without the emotional intimacy, the closeness, and bonding that happen in an intimate exchange like this. The question here is, are both parties operating at the same level of intimacy? Are they connected on the same level?

If you are more emotionally invested than your other half, then the relationship could be in trouble.

You turn to your friends when you have a crisis rather than your mate

We cannot only depend on one person to be the “go-to” for any conflict (or celebration). We all need community and a network of loved ones to support us in certain ways.

However, when it comes to lifelong partners, a deeper level of emotional intimacy and trust should be present.

When things happen, be it getting fired at work, getting into a car accident or even getting your feelings hurt by your boss, really the first person you should be able to turn to when you need help should be your spouse or soon-to-be spouse.

You do not share a common life goals and priorities

We connect three basic ways with another person:

1. Chemistry and compatibility

2. Share common interests

3. Share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you are "living for," while you are single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul mate."

A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

You used the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness

If you are unhappy and single, you will probably be unhappy and married, too.

Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You will feel better and your future spouse will thank you.

Avoid people still involved in a triangle

To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship.

A person who has not separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation.

People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. Moreover, that is no basis for a marriage.